New day

Today is a new day. I would love to say that some profound thought came over me to cheer me up, but honestly, nothing did. Just feel much better today.

Hubby was actually home last night for dinner and the boys were so happy to see him. (first time since Sunday) I watched some tv last night, had a few glasses of wine and only Ryan was up in the night (twice). Got up this morning, the boys were happy, the sun was shinning, hard to be down when you see those beautiful mountains.

Chin Up

I am feeling beaten today.

I have been dealing with low energy and the feeling like I have been fighting a cold or something for almost a week now. Dealing with Matthew's melt downs, Ryan's temper tantrums, and hubby has been working late all week. The boys haven't seen him since Sunday.

Last night Matthew was up 3 times before midnight and again at 2 am. Then Ryan was up twice after that.

Then, this morning I lost it with the boys at the breakfast table after dealing with another Matthew melt down (he had a drippy nose and was convinced his face was covered in snot, he lost it) They were not eating and we had to leave. I yelled and banged the table with my hand. My thumb immediately started to swell. So not only am I the bad yelling mommy, now I have sprained my thumb.

I get the boys bundled and out the door, but Ryan has a temper tantrum when I try to drop Matthew off.

Get home. Ryan is content to play, I get online. Checking on facebook, I see my sisters profile. My neice (who is not quite 2) has started ski lessons at COP.

I just want to cry. I am so jealous and upset. I want my boys to take ski lessons, skating lessons, hockey, gymnastics, everything and anything they want. But it always seems to be on hold. We won;t put Ryan in until Matthew can do it too. iIt seems every yr we miss out... again. It's just not fair...

And I need to compose myself before I get Matthew in 30 min....
Deep breath, chin up, and onward we go...

Update on Operation Freeze

Update on Operation Freeze

Actually, it went so well! The pharmasist that I talked to gave the BEST advice to do it when he was sleeping. We waited til he was in a deep sleep before starting. He woke when the applicator was put on his foot and said "owie" over and over for the 15 sec it was on his foot, and then went right back to sleep afterwards.

So, now we wait. If we got it, it will be gone in about 10 days. Just in time for the next cast change.

Operation Freeze

Tonight is the night....

We were back at the hospital yesterday. Wednesday night and early Thursday morning Matthew was waking in pain. That is unusual. I understand him being sore after running around, but in the middle of the night... So I called Margo at 7:50 am and left a message. She called me back within minutes and I took him in.

Margo thought the pain was odd as well so she cut back the cast at his little toe. Didn't find anything unusual though. She told me that I did exactly what she would have done if Matthew was her child, that kids only complain when they are truely in pain. We think that perhaps he is having muscle spasms through out his foot which are apparently normal after this surgery.

The other thing I asked about was the 'bump'. The week before his surgery, I noticed a bump on the bottom of his foot near his toes. Turns out, it is a wart. And it is growing. And it hurts for him to walk on. I asked Margo if I should try an over-the-counter thing to get rid of it. She said 'definitely'

So I called a pharmacy. Turns out the Dr Shoal's Feeze Away stuff we have is perfect for this sort of thing. She recommended waiting til he was asleep. That way, you can ambush him and get it started before he starts to scream and thrash around. And at that point, you only have to hold it on for another 10 seconds. Oh joy.

So, tonight is the night. Operation Freeze. This is how it will play out.

1800 hours Codeine crushed and served in spoonful of yogurt tube. Force fed if necessary.
1900 hours bedtime
2030 hours Drag accomplice (aka hubby) upstairs. Get tools ready.
2035 hours Begin Operation Freeze
2036 hours cuddle Matthew til he can go back to sleep.
2100 hours unwind with a glass (or two) of red wine

Wish me luck.

Visualization

I truely believe in visualization. Been into it since I was in high school and coaching gymnastics. I found that often seeing it happen in my head helped make it through things that are hard. Take the 3 yrs of infertility and 3 losses. I kept visualizing in my head a picture of hubby walking away from me with his hand on the shoulder of a small boned, thin, blonde boy in a greeen shirt. It wasn't until Matthew was about 3 yrs old that I realized that all those yrs of visualizing, it was Matthew all along. (Btw, the boys favorite color has been green since the day he could say green)

So today I called upon visualization yet again.

The boys and I were at the children's again today. I had this appt for Matthew back before the surgery, but choose to keep it, just in case. Decided I would have the surgeon look at the damp spot on the cast as well as help me out with the callous/wart (wasn;t sure what it was, but it was hurting Matthew).

We arrived and Matthew was very agitated. No doubt. Poor kid has been through a lot. We were in the waiting room when he was angry at not being able to play with something. He hit me in the face and sent my glasses flying. I am sure that my ears will be burning for the next few days as the parents sitting there watching probably thought this kid was the worst behaved one they have seen. It is the reason why I try not to pass judgement on seeing a short interaction of parents and kids... but I digress.

Dr. K was so pleased with Matthew's progress. Couldn't believe that he could jump and run so well just 3 weeks 1 day after his surgery. So he decided to do a cast change and rotate his foot outwards and upwards. Take advantage of how well he is doing.

So onward to Margo we go. She went to cut the cast off and Matthew started screaming and yelled "Don't cut my foot! Don't cut my foot!" He was almost hysterical. Margo had casted him all last spring. She said to me "He is acting perfectly normal for some one who has been through so much" Luckily, the cast room was empty. They closed the glass doors and even pulled the curtains.

Once the cast was off, he freaked out even more at seeing where the inscisions are. They are numerous, and the one in his arch goes from his toes to his heel in a half moon.

Once the recasting started, it really got hard. His tender little healing muscles and tendons were stretched out just as they were starting to feel good. Matthew screamed. And screamed. And screamed. I held him and visualized. I saw him running through the fall grass. No cast. No AFO. Just bare skin on cool wet grass. Running straight, running free. And laughing.

After his cast was dry, he was still sobbing and crying hard. I picked him up, gathered the old cast (he wanted it), the rocker shoe and Ryan's hand and walked out. He cried and cried and cried. Got to the parking machine, fumbled a bit but was able to get out the ticket and money. Got to the van.

The whole drive home, he cried and yelled "I want to go home! Owwiieeeeeeee I want to go home Oweeieeeee" I kept that sight of him running through the grass in my mind.

Now I know why Dr. K wanted to do the first cast change in the OR.

Once we were home, he got some codeine and a Batman cartoon. He settled really quickly and was even stepping on the new cast by the evening. Tomorrow should be a good day.

The next cast change is going to be March 5. I am not looking forward to it, but will keep that vision in my mind.

I am having a few glasses of wine tonight. I think I deserve it.

Normal

I tried, I really did. I tried really hard to find a shoe or boot or ANYTHING to fit over that cast. No luck. His foot is a size 11 and the size 3 was almost big enough. I refused to buy a shoe that many sizes too big. He would just trip and fall over it.

Instead, I found a second rocker shoe from last spring back in the closet. (a rocker shoe is an open toe and open heel canvas shoe with velcro to hold it on) I was able to put a touque on his cast and the rocker over top. So at least now he can walk outside.

Problem is, this child is never happy with moderation, or compromise. He wants it all. And, well don't we all. So he wants to go sledding after school again. So today I made it happen for him. I was able to put the touque on, then a large ziplock bag, secure it with a few elastics and add the rocker shoe on top. Not pretty, but fashion has never been a huge concern around here.

So as soon as I could secure the rocker, he was out the door running with his sled up the hill and down it. It is funny. He took it all in stride. He didn't question the look of it. He didn't step tenderly or even check it after a few runs to see if it was ok. He just did it.

For me, the best thing was not that he was able to slide again. It was seeing him so normal. Out there, dog piling with his little friend, running up and down, laughing all the way. Normal. That is all I want, and today, for a few minutes, I got it.

Celebrations

Hubby and I were going to celebrate his turning 40 in Oct and my turning 40 this coming Sept with a trip without the kids. The beginning of April was perfect. We can get a great condo in Cabo San Lucas, great flights with West Jet and found some dive companies. April works for my parents to come in from Vernon and watch the boys for us. Really excited, needed a break from the boys.

Sat down and started talking about it. Matthew is in his current cast until the first week of March. The next cast will be 2-3 weeks based on the amount of swelling. That takes us to around March 25ish. Then he will be casted for his AFO (they use the cast to make the AFO) and casted again until the AFO is ready. That takes us to about April 9 or 10th. Then there are the constant AFO fittings and adjustments that take place over the next few weeks to ensure a good fit that makes his foot do what it is supposed to and not give him blisters.

There is no way we can go away in April. We can not determine how long this process will take or how many appts he will need. I can't drop that on my mom. It is hard enough for me and I deal with it all the time. I would worry that she would miss something. I am sure she would worry about it too.

So we decided to cancel our trip. We were both a bit bummed. Then we thought about it. What would be the best gift for turning 40? Seeing that little boy run with a straight foot that doesn't drop and make him trip. That would be the best gift I could ever ask for. And if I am lucky, I just might get it by my 40th birthday.