I logged on tonight to blog about skiing. Instead, the music in the background is sending me other places. Sara McLachlan has a beautiful and haunting voice. And takes me places where I may not want to go.
I wanted to blog about Matthew's skiing. To give those others following a few years behind Matthew's journey some inspiration. That even with the cards he was dealt, that yes, skiing is something he can do. He can ski the green runs and even the blues after only two short seasons. Amazes me that even though he skis without his AFO that he can still make turns both left and right with equality. That even though he favors that right leg, the left at times seems just for balance, that doesn't seem to favor one direction for turning. He can turn just as quickly both left and right.
But Sara has taken me from those wonderful thoughts, back to the doubts, the what ifs. It is not a place I go willingly. Not a place I want to be. I truly believe in making informed choices based on what we know, and no regrets. But sometimes, I sneak back there...begrudgingly.
Maybe it was the email I got from a clubfoot group that had a video of kids being treated from birth by Dr. Ponseti having wonderful outcomes.
Wishing that 8 years ago I had been smarter, more diligent. Less trusting. That I had sought the answers then like I do now. But, then I wonder. Would it had made a difference? Or would we still be sitting here, tonight, at the same point?
Those who know me well, know that one of my mottos in life is no regrets, no second guesses. It is a motto I chose many years ago, but sometimes, in the wee hours, it is hard to live up too.
Sometimes I feel we are breaking new ground. Making trail for those others who are finding themselves on this unique road. Some days it is exciting and wonderful. Others, it is long and laborious. Some days I wish for that easy road.
I know that tomorrow, I will be strong again. I will be ready to face Matthew when he challenges me about wearing his AFO. When he tells me that some one called him 'robot leg', ready to give him the strength he is going to need.
But right now, I don't feel like I have what it takes. But he can't know that. He needs to know that I am strong. That he is strong.
In the words of Sara Mclachlan
'There is always some reason
To not feel good enough,
And it's hard, at the end of the day.'
'And everywhere you turn,
There's vultures and thieves at your back'
And most importantly
'You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here.'
Tonight, I am looking for comfort.