Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Feeling Melancholy Tonight

I logged on tonight to blog about skiing. Instead, the music in the background is sending me other places. Sara McLachlan has a beautiful and haunting voice. And takes me places where I may not want to go.

I wanted to blog about Matthew's skiing. To give those others following a few years behind Matthew's journey some inspiration. That even with the cards he was dealt, that yes, skiing is something he can do. He can ski the green runs and even the blues after only two short seasons. Amazes me that even though he skis without his AFO that he can still make turns both left and right with equality. That even though he favors that right leg, the left at times seems just for balance, that doesn't seem to favor one direction for turning. He can turn just as quickly both left and right.

But Sara has taken me from those wonderful thoughts, back to the doubts, the what ifs. It is not a place I go willingly. Not a place I want to be. I truly believe in making informed choices based on what we know, and no regrets. But sometimes, I sneak back there...begrudgingly.

Maybe it was the email I got from a clubfoot group that had a video of kids being treated from birth by Dr. Ponseti having wonderful outcomes.

Wishing that 8 years ago I had been smarter, more diligent. Less trusting. That I had sought the answers then like I do now. But, then I wonder. Would it had made a difference? Or would we still be sitting here, tonight, at the same point?

Those who know me well, know that one of my mottos in life is no regrets, no second guesses. It is a motto I chose many years ago, but sometimes, in the wee hours, it is hard to live up too.

Sometimes I feel we are breaking new ground. Making trail for those others who are finding themselves on this unique road. Some days it is exciting and wonderful. Others, it is long and laborious. Some days I wish for that easy road.

I know that tomorrow, I will be strong again. I will be ready to face Matthew when he challenges me about wearing his AFO. When he tells me that some one called him 'robot leg', ready to give him the strength he is going to need.

But right now, I don't feel like I have what it takes. But he can't know that. He needs to know that I am strong. That he is strong.

In the words of Sara Mclachlan

'There is always some reason
To not feel good enough,
And it's hard, at the end of the day.'

'And everywhere you turn,
There's vultures and thieves at your back'

And most importantly

'You're in the arms of the angel,
May you find some comfort here.'

Tonight, I am looking for comfort.


Allie said...

Oh man, I so wish that I had read this last night so I hope that this morning brings you less doubt and happier thoughts.

We parents make the best decisions that we can given the circumstances and the knowledge we have at the time. I don't think you should have any regrets about the path that you have taken Matthew down because all you have ever wanted is the best for him. I've been where you were last night and have had to remind myself that we alway make decisions that we believe are in the best interest of our children. One day this will all be behind you and you will know that both you and Matthew are stronger because of it.

I too long for the day where I can live in the moment and not look down from watching Riley run to see if her feet are still turned out. Or not gasp for breath when she takes a jump and lands funny and think "oh no, she's ruined all the work we've done on her feet!!!" But we were given clubfoot kids because we care and we love them with their whole being and our mission in life is to get them the best possible care and to encourage other families just starting out on this journey with our knowledge, whether it be good experiences or bad.

So chin up, because you are one of the few clubfoot moms who has really helped me through this journey. You always gave the right amount of encouragement, kind words, and you have truly set an example with Matthew!

And stay away from Sarah McLachlan songs, I got weepy just reading the lyrics! I don't know if you have the SPCA commercials on TV in Canada but they play that song and show shelter dogs and I bawl everytime it comes on, I have to change the channel to avoid the dark place. :)

Sending you hugs! And remember, you've gotten Matthew the best care you could and you've helped so many other moms make this crazy clubfoot journey much easier!

Anonymous said...

I don't know many moms who travel to another country to get what they have found is the best treatment, blog about their experience, pave the way for others, etc...Enough Said, That's YOU! :)

We've all had those nights and it's ok, we moms need our time to let it all out and decompress! There's only so much research and wondering we can do. So you are right, tomorrow you will be back to living the daily life!


Sue said...

"Melancholy" is part of Motherhood, I think ... and especially when you're dealt those "cards" you mentioned. It's most definitely a choice to stay positive, to not look back, to ignore the "what if's" ... but we all go back there at one point or another. Especially when we might have taken a few wrong turns, or something didn't go as it should have and we didn't know any better ... I'm right there with you!

But it can consume you if you "feel" it for too long. Address it, write about it, even cry over it ... but then the next day it's got to go. When I'm in those moments, all I have to do is look at Grace -- see her shining smile, her resilience, her happy-go-lucky attitude about everything in her life. Then I know that if anyone could handle a clubfoot in this family, it's her! She doesn't complain, she still wears the brace without a second thought, she even embraces her clubfoot as a simple ("well, DUH!") fact of her life, like she has two eyes, a nose, and a clubfoot. Having that "card" in her life is what makes her Grace in some ways ... and Matthew is most definitely the same way!

I'm several days late in reading this post and I'm sure you've already gotten the melancholy out of your system. :) But it's good to post your honest lows as well as your successes and highs. It's all a part of being a mom, and of being who you are as YOU. Glad you shared it -- for we all share it with you! :)

(and I love Sara McL too - her Christmas album is by far my favorite! Way more uplifting!) :)